I think my child is gay. I want to ask them but don’t know how?
Please be patient about this. Your child may be going through their own adjustment to the idea and they need to be left to think about things. Let them tell you when they are ready and when they are sure themselves.
If my child says they are gay, could they be wrong?
Your child has probably been thinking about this for a long time and probably had to be very brave to tell you. They wouldn’t tell you unless they were pretty sure.
Lesbian and gay people can feel exactly the same sense of shock and fear that parents encounter when faced with this knowledge of their daughter’s/son’s orientation. They face it alone. It is not uncommon for a young lesbian/gay person to spend three or four years summoning up enough courage to talk to their parents.
Can you choose to be gay?
No. We are as we were born, straight, gay or a bit of both.
Is it my fault?
No. Current research indicates that sexual orientation is genetic so if your child is gay, they were always going to be. In any case, ‘fault’ implies there is something wrong. Their sexual orientation is not in any way ‘wrong’ or a problem. It is simply less usual and takes a bit of getting used to.
Could they change?
It is best to assume not because that way, your child will see that you can accept them whatever their orientation. That said, current research suggests some fluidity among women who may go through homosexual then heterosexual phases at different times. The same does not appear to be true of men.
When did they know they were gay?
Some children feel different when they are still in infant school. Others only start to question things in their teens. Still others may not work it out until they are into adulthood.
How do I tell my friends and family?
This is something you will want to discuss with your child. It is their news to share. Most people find that where they thought they would find prejudice and disbelief, they find simple love and acceptance. It can feel very daunting to approach others with the news so start with the people you trust most and take it from there.
Do all parents feel as bad as I do?
Increasingly, homosexuality is accepted across society, at least in the UK. So more and more parents are relaxed about their children's sexual orientation. That said, many are still unprepared, and their reaction can be of shock, bewilderment or fear, or all three. Some blame themselves, some reject the child, some want help but do not know how to cope. Many, in spite of themselves, feel alienated from their own child. Even where love maintains the bond, this does not lessen the shock and the confusion parents feel. In these cases, it really does help to talk things through with love and patience.
Will I ever be a grandparent?
That, of course, is up to your child, just as it would be if they were straight. No parent can be sure their child will have children of their own. It is more complicated, of course, for gay people, especially for men. But it is increasingly common to find families with two dads or two mums.
Won’t my grandchildren suffer?
All the research indicates that children brought up by two mums or two dads actually do better than children in straight families, probably because they are very much wanted. There is no suggestion that they are particularly singled out for bullying in school.
Are there more gay people than there used to be?
No. Most research suggests that somewhere between 7 and 10 per cent of the population are gay. This is a bit complicated though. Some campaigners suggest that the majority of people would have same sex experiences were it not taboo. In ancient times, people across the globe from China to America to Europe had same sex relationships and these were not frowned upon. The word homosexuality is a modern invention.
Please be patient about this. Your child may be going through their own adjustment to the idea and they need to be left to think about things. Let them tell you when they are ready and when they are sure themselves.
If my child says they are gay, could they be wrong?
Your child has probably been thinking about this for a long time and probably had to be very brave to tell you. They wouldn’t tell you unless they were pretty sure.
Lesbian and gay people can feel exactly the same sense of shock and fear that parents encounter when faced with this knowledge of their daughter’s/son’s orientation. They face it alone. It is not uncommon for a young lesbian/gay person to spend three or four years summoning up enough courage to talk to their parents.
Can you choose to be gay?
No. We are as we were born, straight, gay or a bit of both.
Is it my fault?
No. Current research indicates that sexual orientation is genetic so if your child is gay, they were always going to be. In any case, ‘fault’ implies there is something wrong. Their sexual orientation is not in any way ‘wrong’ or a problem. It is simply less usual and takes a bit of getting used to.
Could they change?
It is best to assume not because that way, your child will see that you can accept them whatever their orientation. That said, current research suggests some fluidity among women who may go through homosexual then heterosexual phases at different times. The same does not appear to be true of men.
When did they know they were gay?
Some children feel different when they are still in infant school. Others only start to question things in their teens. Still others may not work it out until they are into adulthood.
How do I tell my friends and family?
This is something you will want to discuss with your child. It is their news to share. Most people find that where they thought they would find prejudice and disbelief, they find simple love and acceptance. It can feel very daunting to approach others with the news so start with the people you trust most and take it from there.
Do all parents feel as bad as I do?
Increasingly, homosexuality is accepted across society, at least in the UK. So more and more parents are relaxed about their children's sexual orientation. That said, many are still unprepared, and their reaction can be of shock, bewilderment or fear, or all three. Some blame themselves, some reject the child, some want help but do not know how to cope. Many, in spite of themselves, feel alienated from their own child. Even where love maintains the bond, this does not lessen the shock and the confusion parents feel. In these cases, it really does help to talk things through with love and patience.
Will I ever be a grandparent?
That, of course, is up to your child, just as it would be if they were straight. No parent can be sure their child will have children of their own. It is more complicated, of course, for gay people, especially for men. But it is increasingly common to find families with two dads or two mums.
Won’t my grandchildren suffer?
All the research indicates that children brought up by two mums or two dads actually do better than children in straight families, probably because they are very much wanted. There is no suggestion that they are particularly singled out for bullying in school.
Are there more gay people than there used to be?
No. Most research suggests that somewhere between 7 and 10 per cent of the population are gay. This is a bit complicated though. Some campaigners suggest that the majority of people would have same sex experiences were it not taboo. In ancient times, people across the globe from China to America to Europe had same sex relationships and these were not frowned upon. The word homosexuality is a modern invention.
